Stay together as parents for your children, even after a divorce

Research by the Children’s Ombudsman

“For too long, we as adults have thought that the impact of a divorce on a child’s well-being and development is not that significant,” says Children’s Ombudsman Kalverboer. However, according to Kalverboer, children tell us that they suffer greatly from a divorce: “they tell us that they especially miss their parents, physically and/or mentally.”

Every year, at least 40,000 children hear that their parents are separating. Research by the Children’s Ombudsman among 7,520 children shows that children of divorced parents have a more negative view of their relationship with their parents and especially miss their attention and love. “The absence of a good relationship with parents can leave a lasting mark on a child,” says Kalverboer. “And we are talking about at least 40,000 children per year who are at risk.”

According to the Children’s Ombudsman’s research, children with divorced parents score lower on all (!) aspects that determine the quality of their lives compared to children whose parents are still together. “They also rate their lives lower on average,” says Kalverboer. The most significant negative consequences are seen in the relationship between children and their parents. “This concerns things like the parents’ role modeling, their attention and love for the children, and the stability and continuity they provide at home.”

Children’s Ombudsman Kalverboer emphasizes that a divorce is, in any case, a sad experience with significant consequences. “But parents play a key role in how much children are affected and continue to be affected.” Kalverboer calls on parents and professionals to talk about it and seek help, as this is still a significant taboo.

You separate as partners, but not as parents

In my practice, both as a lawyer and mediator, I often see parties having conflicts at the partner level, which they cannot separate from their role as parents. A divorce, dissolution of a registered partnership, or breakup of a relationship is often an incredibly emotional process. It is almost logical that these emotions play a role when it comes to (the agreements about) the children. However, the children suffer as a result. Children, from babies to teenagers, feel the tension and anger between the parents and the sadness of the parents. It is no coincidence that I often say to my clients: you separate as partners, but not as parents.

Conclusion

Research by the Children’s Ombudsman and my experiences as a lawyer and mediator have shown that children are affected by a divorce and that a good relationship between parents after a divorce is extremely important. Together with Children’s Ombudsman Kalverboer, I say: stay together as parents for your children, even after a divorce.

More information

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